As you’re looking for a high-quality man for a long-term, committed relationship, there are several common missteps early in the dating process that can cause the right men to move on without asking you for a next date.
As you read these, ask yourself if these things would turn you off and cause you to say “no” to a date with a man. Next, take a look at the better moves to create a connection that leads to dates with the men you like.
Misstep #1: Being too negative
In dating, when you’re meeting someone for the first time, whether in person or on the phone (or even on the first couple of dates), airing the dirty laundry about your divorce or your last relationship or complaining about how much you hate online dating because most men are jerks, is a big misstep that will cost you a second date with most men. A negative attitude will reveal more about you than about your ex and will actually repel a quality man.
Negativity happens to be one of the top 5 complaints men have about women on first dates. Whether they’re looking for someone to date casually, a hookup or a long-term relationship, they will be turned off by negative comments about your ex’s, your job, your health or any aspect of your life.
Think about what you would do on a job interview. Would you reveal all your grievances with your previous employers? Well, if you want that job, you’re not going to trash your previous boss. Instead, you would reveal as little information as possible and only share something in a positive light. For the same reasons, you’ll want to refrain from negativity in early conversations and dates.
Talk about the things you enjoy in your life, the people who are important to you, the future you see for yourself, what you’re passionate about, what makes you laugh, what you value. This will keep the conversation positive and on topics he wants to learn about you.
If you’re asked about your past relationships, don’t go into details. Those are best discussed at a later time. If you do comment on an ex, it’s best to express how much you’ve learned and grown from past experiences that will benefit a future relationship.
Misstep #2: Sharing too much information (TMI)
Another first date misstep which is a turn-off for men is sharing too much information. They want to learn about a woman gradually. They don’t want to hear all of her deepest darkest secrets on the first few dates. If a woman is talking about the problems she’s having before a man develops an emotional connection to her, he might feel like there’s no mystery left to find out about her. The worst outcome is for him to feel like a dump truck just rolled over him. No matter how empathic he is, it won’t feel good to been dumped on.
Men love solving problems for the woman in their life, but this is after they feel a connection with her. In early conversations and dates, men are focused on having fun and showing you a good time while they get to know you.
Your mindset should be one of curiosity about your date, learning more about them and enjoying their company as you share an experience together. After all, they are another human being like you. Search for the commonalities between you and also what makes the other person unique and special.
Misstep #3: Avoiding asking deeper questions
On the opposite end of the spectrum from TMI is keeping the conversation on a surface level and avoiding asking men deeper questions about themselves. First of all, your date may get the impression that you’re not really interested in them and you’ll miss the chance to form a connection with them.
When you don’t ask deeper questions very early in your interactions with men, you’ll end up wasting too much of your and their time because you didn’t ask the questions that would have revealed some deal breakers or that you would not be a good match for each other. Example of questions most women are afraid to ask are whether a man wants to marry and if he wants to have children. At the same time, they might avoid expressing what they’re really looking for, whether it’s living together, marriage, marriage, children, no children, adopting, etc.
Another downside to keeping the entire conversation on a surface level and talking about topics that aren’t really important to you, is you don’t learn the essential information about the other person and they don’t learn much about you. The more they know about you, the more likely a connection will be made and the two of you will want to see each other again.
If your goal is to find a partner for a long-term relationship, these are key questions to ask in the first phone or in person conversations to help you understand what they’re looking for and if the two of you are even looking for the same thing.
What made you decide to get on this site (Bumble/Match/Hinge)?
Ideally, what do you want for your love life?
Are you currently dating anyone?
Is your divorce final or are you separated?
How long ago did your last relationship end?
How do you see your future in terms of life goals, family, lifestyle?
What is most important to you?
What lights you up? What makes you happy?
How do you like to spend your free time or your weekends?
What are you most proud of?
Misstep #4: Holding back and not being yourself
These are some of the ways you might hold back and not reveal much about yourself.
You might not discuss your true interests, likes and dislikes, because you’re trying to stay open to listening to what the other person likes. You might be afraid that if you reveal your true interests, those won’t be compatible with his interests or turn him off.
Making efforts to appear to be everything the other person is looking for so they will like you and ask you on another date. This will sabotage your efforts to attract men who are truly compatible with because it prevents the other person from knowing who you really are. High quality men want to know what you enjoy, your hobbies, interests, your views and values, your dreams and goals, just like you want to know if your views and values align with the other person. They want a woman who has her own interests and passions and hers don’t have to be identical to their interests. In fact, they would enjoy exploring your interests and learning from you.
When you’re not being clear about what you like to do (and don’t like to do), what you like to eat or don’t eat, places you like and don’t like to go, this doesn’t give a man the information he needs to take the lead to plan dates that will please you. Most men want to succeed at creating a fun experience for both of you.
Not allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable and “real” with them from the very first conversation. Men are attracted to the qualities that are more commonly associated with a woman such as a woman’s warmth, her heart and the things she cares deeply about, her touch and affection, her intuition and the different ways she sees the world. Men depend on these qualities from the woman in their life.
If your date asks you what kind of restaurants or food you like, give him 3 options that will allow him to plan the date.
If you’re feeling a little nervous, it’s OK to share this with your date. Most men also feel nervous on the first dates. This admission might help break this ice and gives him a chance to let down his guard.
If you want to see this person again, by all means, let him know you’re having a wonderful time and that you want to continue the conversation with him. Let him know that you’d love to see him again. So many times, women lose an opportunity for a 2nd date because they don’t tell the guy they want to see him again. You may feel it is obvious to him or that you will seem desperate if you verbalize your interest, but men need to be told that you’re interested in another date and they need to hear it more than once. You can let him know that if he asks you out again, you’ll be happy to accept his invitation. Then the ball is in his court to ask for the next date!
Talk about your interests, even the things you are sure they aren’t interested in. They want to know who you are, what makes you happy and what’s important to you, whether it’s your family, your parents, children, pets, church group, band practice, volunteering, collecting Legos or singing in the shower.
Most importantly, make sure to ask questions about your date’s interests and express appreciation for his efforts to create a great date for you, whether it’s through compliments about the restaurant or activity he’s chosen or recognizing all the effort he’s put into creating a wonderful experience for both of you.
As you put yourself out there to find your sweetheart, ask yourself “where am I holding back parts of my true self”? You may be holding back the very things that could spark a lasting connection with the right person!
The women I work with become more comfortable asking the right questions early in the dating process so they can really get to know their dates and determine who is a potential match. This allows them to navigate the dating process with more ease, confidence and enjoyment.
Would you like support so you can start meeting higher quality men without continuing to waste your energy and years of your life? I can help you avoid the pitfalls of dating, maintain the empowered mindset you need to stay the course so you can find your life partner, sooner rather than later.
I invite you to a Soulmate Search Breakthrough call to talk about the support you need to really move forward in this part of your life. Schedule your complimentary 30-minute call at SoulmateSearchBreakthroughCall