Updated: Apr 8
When Do You Have Sex….?
If you’re dating with the intention of finding your life partner and
you don’t want to waste your time with people who aren’t looking for the same thing,
then when you have sex with a man matters a lot.
If you want a relationship to develop into a long-term committed relationship,
then the best advice you will get, my advice and the advice of every dating professional I know, especially the male dating coaches, is that you should wait to have sex after you’ve agreed that you’re in a relationship and you’re exclusive.
Ideally, this might be after 2 or 3 months of regular dating (if you live near each other and not long distance). Now I know as a single person you’ve likely been starved for affection and human touch during the pandemic. The most natural thing in the world is for you to be craving that closeness and human touch of another person. I understand this. We’ve all been starved for human contact and touch.
The good news is you can give and receive affection with a new beau in many ways. For example, through hugs, kissing, holding hands and other ways without having sex too early in a relationship.
In this conversation, I’m not referring to those ways of sharing physical touch.
What I’m referring to is the act of sexual intercourse.
If you’re both looking for a long-term relationship, then the best thing you can do for yourself and the other person is to take sex off the table at the very beginning.
You can do this by letting the other person know that you
· are attracted to them (men want to know this),
· like them,
· you want to learn so much more about them
· but you don’t get sexually involved until there’s a certain level of trust established, you feel you care for (or love) each other and you’ve both agreed to be in an exclusive relationship.
I know this can be a difficult conversation to have shortly after meeting someone new on the first or second dates, for example. However, any quality, good man is going to respect you when he knows this is your standard AND
When the time comes to be intimate with you, he will feel special because you chose him above the other men you’ve known. He will feel he has earned your heart and the beautiful body that carries your soul.
When you have this discussion with men, you’ll quickly find out who bolts for the door and who is willing (and able) to be emotionally open and intimate. For the men who move on to get what they want elsewhere or who ghost you, I want you to turn on Ariana Grande’s song “Thank U, Next”! Thank U Next
Those men do you a huge favor by revealing their intentions right away and not wasting your valuable time. They get out of the way and free you to find your true love.
Men and women bond with each other in different ways. Men develop emotional intimacy with you by spending time getting to know you through shared activities, not through sex. While women develop emotional intimacy through conversation and sex.
When a relationship begins with sex on the first date (s) or weeks, it is not getting off on the right foot. The vast majority of the time, this ends up being a misstep because it gives a man a signal that you are looking for a short-term or casual thing as opposed to a long-term relationship. In his mind, he will see you as a woman for the “casual/sex” track instead of the “relationship” track.
Women emotionally bond to men that they’ve been physically intimate with through oxytocin, a chemical that gets released in their brains during sex. Once that bonding takes place, it’s very difficult to logically distance themselves to assess if this person is right for them and they aren’t going to notice or act upon any red or yellow flags that come up; they’re going to overlook those signs because they’re being swept up in the euphoric feelings of the bonding chemicals.
Those chemicals in your brain (similar to being high on a drug) will cause you to bond emotionally to someone before you truly know anything about them. Then it’s more difficult for you to pick up and move on to someone else if the person you’re with is not a good match for you. And you’re more likely to waste even more time giving that relationship “a chance”, giving him the benefit of the doubt, to make it work, despite red flags or that feeling in your gut, instead of moving on to find your true match.
Unlike women, men do not bond to women through sex. No matter how hot a woman is in bed, this is not what is going to make a man fall in love.
Why am I saying all this?
I’m saying this so that you have the best chance of getting to know the person you’re with and their true intentions so you can make an informed decision about someone you’re dating. I don’t want to see you being ghosted after sex or wasting your valuable time with someone only to find out a month or two into dating (or 6 months or more) that they don’t want what you want.
Contrary to what you read and see in the media, or see other women doing, you don’t have to have sex with the right men for them to like you. Many women believe sex is expected of them within the first 3 dates, or even on the 1st date.
Well, that’s partly true. Many men out there are used to having sex on the first date(s) because other women are going along with that program because they feel it’s expected of them. But those are not the men you’re looking for. Once they know you’re serious about being on a relationship track and not the casual sex track, those guys will move on so they can get what they want.
Most women don’t realize that they set the pace for intimacy and the general pace, in the relationship. But men are very aware that women set the pace, especially when it comes to physical intimacy and sex. The relationship won’t advance unless you agree to it. So even if a man is pressuring you to go to his place, have sex, kiss on the first date, become boyfriend/girlfriend, become exclusive, or whatever it is that they want to do, it won’t happen unless you agree to it.
You don’t have to have sex with a man for a “really good” man, the respectful, adoring and kind man, to like you and desire you and be willing to slow things down to have a relationship with you.
The really good guys are not looking for sex. They know they’re looking for a true and lasting relationship and sex will be more meaningful and bring you closer when the two of you love each other.
Every level of the relationship can move at a pace that is comfortable for you, especially the sex part! You’re going to have to set that pace by discussing it with the guy.
What are your thoughts about this?
Let me know what your experience has been and if you have any questions about how to establish these standards and boundaries with a man.